For those of you who may have recently read the New York Times article by Dr. Alan Sroufe, in which Ridlin and other psycho-stimulants used to treat ADHD were attacked,  I was relieved to read the following rebuttal by Dr. Ned Hallowell.   For those who may have missed the article, you may read it by clicking here.

As I am sure many of you know, Dr. Hallowell is considered to be the foremost expert in the field of ADHD, having worked as a psychiatrist for the past 30 years treating patients with ADHD, having it himself and having written several books on the subject.  The following is Dr. Hallowell’s response to Dr. Sroufe’s article; Continue reading “Ridlin Gone Wrong Article, May be Wrong” »

By Leslie Rouder, LCSW

This past month, I have been enrolled in a 7 week therapist’s course given by Melissa Orlov on the ADHD effects on marriage.  Melissa, who is an expert on this subject, and who has written the book (by the same name) The ADHD Effects on Marriage, offers its’ readers one of the most comprehensive and clearly written books that I have read on this subject.  Melissa provides six steps on how to rebuild your relationship and learn how to enjoy the person you fell in love with. This book is a must read for any couple struggling with the effects of untreated ADHD in their relationship. Continue reading “The 8 Biggest Relationship Problems That Lead to Feeling Unloved” »

By Leslie Rouder, LCSW

Many people are attracted to individuals with ADD for their zany sense of humor, imagination, creativity, charm and “out of the box” thinking.    But for many couples those attractive qualities can sometimes fade in the light of untreated ADD.  I receive hundreds of calls and e mails from frustrated partners of individuals with ADD (POADD’s) asking if I could please work with their partner in assisting with the various aspects of ADD that are affecting the quality of their lives and relationships.  Sadly, untreated ADD is a large factor in many divorces and break ups between couples.  The following is a list of some of the most common problems affecting these couples: 

Rage and/or uncontrollable anger: Many individuals with ADD have difficulty controlling their anger and (what’s more) can provoke their partner’s anger as well.   The POADD’s are often overwhelmed and exhausted with all the fighting and feel badly that they are unable to control their temper.

Financial Problems:  People with ADD often having problems with impulsive spending, problems keeping a job, and/or underemployment.  There is often a lot of debt and hoarding of items purchased on a whim that may be stashed away in closets, drawers, under the bed or in disarray around the home.  Online spending is also often a big problem as well.

Career Stagnation:  Due to their partner’s inability to hold a job, the POADD’s often do not feel that they can take risks in their professional lives due to the sense that theirs’ is the only stable source of income.  In addition, they often underperform at work due to (what feels like)  ongoing “crises” and stress caused by their home life. 

Sexual Problems: Very often I will hear complaints that the ADD partner will either lose interest in sex or will expect to have sex all the time.  Sometimes this occurs because Adder’s get bored easily or (paradoxically) sex may be used as a stimulant.  I often hear that the POADD’s loss of interest in sex with their partner is due to the feeling of having sex with their child (since they often take on the role of parent) and the partner with ADD  often loses interest in sex because he or she may feel like they are having sex with their parent. (Due to their partner having taken on the parental role in the relationship very often)

Traffic Violations:  People with ADD frequently have car accidents that cause worry about the Adder’s safety and/ or the safety of the passengers, who are very often their children.  They often have very high insurance rates and costly traffic violations, which put further financial strain on the couple.

Lack of Support and Self Esteem: POADD’s often tell me that they feel that the bulk of most decisions rest on their shoulders.  If they have children, they feel that they are the one single parent raising their children alone.  They do not feel supported by their partner.  Even if they were thinking of getting a divorce, they are too frightened for their children’s well being to ever leave, so they often feel locked in a hopeless partnership staying for the sake of providing stability for their children.

Health Problems:  POADD’s often develop illnesses that are caused by the effects of living in a stressful environment.  Sometimes these illnesses are chronic, such as chronic fatigue and sometimes they are manifested as frequent bouts with common viruses, such as colds. This further impairs their ability to function effectively in the world and can create further isolation.

Problems Getting Help:  Very often couples do not know where to turn for help.  They may speak to a family doctor, pastor or clinician that is not well versed in the area of ADD and miss the diagnosis, causing more damage to the relationship. It is not until the diagnosis is clearly understood and applied to the individual’s lives in a way that is integrated through that understanding that it is possible for healing to occur.

There is hope for those who seek out effective support systems. Couples can learn to communicate and find ways to bridge these gaps.  They can learn about effective ways to set boundaries, share responsibilities, develop talents and goals, strive for healthy intimacy and gain self esteem and confidence.  I encourage anyone who feels stuck to actively look for clinicians that specialize in working with individuals with ADD and their families.  Find support groups in your area that work with adults with ADD and or their partners.  If you need help finding support groups in your area you can contact your local CHADD chapter (www.CHADD.org) and ask for assistance. Never give up until you have all the answer. Positive change does happen with the proper information and support.

As February is quickly approaching, I am beginning to get really excited about our upcoming weekend breath workshop, with Jacquelyn Small of the Eupsychia Institute.  Jacquelyn is a wonderful teacher (and has been my mentor for many years) as well as the author of many books on psycho-spiritual integration.  This is a great opportunity for those of you who want to access alternative ways of accessing the psyche, while deepening your inner work. The workshop will take place at the Bridge Hotel in Boca Raton on the week end of the 24^th -26^th. For many of you who are familiar with the integrative Breathwork process, which was developed by Jacquelyn, I know you are already looking forward to joining us.  For those of you who are not familiar with Breathwork, I asked Jacquelyn if she would write about the Breathwork process, and in response, wrote the following article;

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By Jacquelyn Small

Today, many people are seeking more fulfillment in life. Today’s chaotic technological world is often too much for human psyches to contend with, without possessing more inner strength. Many therefore are yearning to find inner peace, more healing of one’s past, and are seeking more spiritual meaning and connection so they can align with their true purpose in life.

Turning inward to become conscious of what ails us, and further, to access the beauty of our inner core Self, is the healer of all human dysfunction and self-defeating lifestyles. This means we need methods that can take us inward to learn about our rich subjective life. The crying need is to gain a more universal understanding of reality and of human nature, which automatically grounds us in our truth and natural confidence.  If you recall, this was the quest of the Holy Grail.

Years ago, I discovered a method which is a powerful psychic opener that broadens our view of who we are and why we are here. I’ve named it Integrative Breathwork. It’s an adaptation of Holotropic Breathwork I co-taught with Stanislav Grof, M.D. for six years during the late ’80′s and early ’90′s. Through the use of evocative music, deep breathing, meditative contemplation, and symbolic artwork, the deeper strata of the unconscious mind opens and pours out its gifts. It is in this rich subjective life that all new creations first begin to stir, and to which we must continually return to be made afresh for every age.

Breathwork is an ancient spiritual practice in both the Eastern and Western spiritual traditions. It has the power to heal our personal past and to carry us into the expansive collective mind of humanity where all the great minds, universal spiritual teachings, our ancestral heritage, and our future unformed blueprints can be accessed. The fact that people have high moments of great revelation, inspiration, and ecstatic “peak experiences” during this process is proof that wisdom lives within us all.

The two-hour musical journey is a carefully designed variety of evocative music with no words that serves as a projection screen – a way to free associate so participants can feel and recall whatever it is they need to make conscious and clear. In an Integrative Breathwork session everyone has a different experience. For example, one person might go back in time and recall a serious automobile accident and release the pent-up terror they’ve been holding, while another might travel out-of-body to a sacred temple and relive a powerful spiritual initiation. This method transcends time and space, producing a mild, non-ordinary state of consciousness so we can experience these higher worlds directly.

Practiced within a safe therapeutic setting and with proper guidance, Integerative Breathwork accesses the brain where memory and emotion converge.  I know of no other therapeutic method more effective for experiencing the full gambit of our sacred human experience.

What people don’t realize is that we haven’t just repressed our old family issues and neuroses; we have repressed the remembrance that we’re divine as well, and that we have the power to be co-creators in the world.

We hope that you will join us for this very unusual and meaningful weekend with members of your soul family.  The time is right to do this enlightening inner work.

By Leslie Rouder, LCSW, Cht.

Happy New Year!  It’s the start of a new 12 month cycle and the opportunity to set our intentions for 2012. I know we all want to thrive in our lives and in thinking of ways to help with this effort, I recently read a wonderful article by Tom O’Connor in which he asks some very self-empowering questions regarding achieving positive changes. Tom reminded me of a great quote by Tony Robbins who said, “Success leaves clues”.   But for many of us, we don’t know where to look for those clues or know the right questions to ask in order to find them. So, in an attempt to find those clues, I wrote the following article and listed 9 of those self-empowering questions to assist us in establishing a forward direction to our lives and to help us to thrive in 2012.

Continue reading “Nine Questions That Will Help You Thrive in 2012” »

By Leslie Rouder, LCSW, Cht.

Believe it or not, it’s that time of the year for making New Year’s resolutions once again.  Research shows that although making these resolutions are helpful, only a small percentage of people actually keep them. In fact, according to Dr. John Norcross, a professor at Scranton University, who has conducted several studies on this subject, only 46 % of those who make New Year’s resolutions actually keep them six months later. And only 40% even bother to try to come up with them.  So what’s up with our inability to keep promises TO OURSELVES???

Let me first say that people who make very explicit clearly written resolutions are 10 times more successful in achieving their goals than those who do not.  So, in thinking about attempting this challenge, it would make sense to be very clear in writing your resolutions on paper. However, for many people with a poor history of keeping promises to oneself (which looks like most of us) it does not seem likely that many of us would embrace this challenge. 

So, I asked myself, what is this lack of “will” that seems pervasive amongst the majority of us, and why and how do we give up our personal power?  A lot of this may simply be that we take on goals that are not very realistic, or that we do not know how to implement them.  But, in thinking about this from the perspective of our personal power being a form of energy, how do we lose this energy and give up our personal power, over and over again, in our life time? 

For those who are familiar with the chakra system, which are the 7 power centers in our body, the idea of personal power is certainly a third chakra issue.  The third chakra is located in our solar plexus and is considered the magnetic core of the personality and ego.  The sacred truth of this chakra teaches us to honor oneself. It is the teacher of self-respect, self-esteem, ambition, and self-discipline. Its primary fears are around criticism, worrying about what other people think of us, embarrassment, failure, and what we look like. It also presents to us as fear around growing old, getting fat or bald, or feeling like an imposter.

So in considering this, one might see the connection of how a weakness in our third chakra might be detrimental to our keeping (or even attempting) to make any resolutions or promises to one ’s self.  But the more important question is; how do we fix it?  How do we repair this leakage in this energy system, so that we strengthen our self-esteem, which allows us to transcend the obstacles that we face in our lives?

In considering this answer, I turned to Dr. Caroline Myss, who is an expert on energy healing and the Chakras for guidance. In order to repair and enhance our self-esteem (and ultimately our inner power) as it relates to the third chakra, Dr. Myss developed 4 stages of inner development which I have listed below;

 1.       Revolution

Revolution is that act of developing one’s own inner guidance outside of the ideas and beliefs or our group or “tribe”.  It’s the act of finding one’s “inner voice” and honoring its truth. Its power is in our development of our own inner authority.

 2.      Involution

Involution is the process by which we evaluate our life in terms of how the world is meeting our needs, as well as our life’s mission. It is the practice of self-examination and inner knowledge. It means developing the stamina to respond to the answers, when they come, because along with self-knowledge, comes choices and ultimately actions as well as the knowledge that we are responsible for our lives.

 3.     Narcissism

The third stage of narcissism is about developing the energy to not only hear one’s inner voice, but act upon it.  It provides us with the necessary ability to go against the norm or the tribe. It gives us the ability to stand our ground in the face of opposition, develop appropriate boundaries, and re-create our lives in ways that honor our inner truth.

 4.    Evolution

This is the stage of internal development, in which one stays on course with one’s mission while maintaining one’s principles, dignity, and faith, regardless of any outside criticism or resistance. Even Mother Teresa, in her early days was considered to be narcissistic and was almost forced from 2 religious orders as a result of her strong calling to service the poor in ways that went far beyond that of the other sisters.  She was greatly criticized for what they perceived as self-absorbed and narcissistic in her desires.  After a process of deep spiritual reflection, she acted on her intuitive guidance allowing her spirit to take command and step into the life she felt was her calling. 

 In considering the above four stages of development, one realizes that this is not so easy.  It means courageously taking on the spiritual task of self-inquiry and symbolic insight.  It means facing our inner conflicts, fears and secrets. It means dying to old habits and beliefs, respecting our strengths and weaknesses, developing our independence, giving ourselves permission to be ambitious, listening and honoring our inner voice, and having faith in the process of transformation. 

Maybe a simple New Year’s Resolution is not so simple at all, because in keeping those promises to ourselves, we are ultimately challenging the development of our personal power and the strengthening of our connection to our third chakra.  Maybe the energy that most of us use to keep those promises is shear will.  (And, as statistics have certainly shown us, shear will is not always enough.)  Perhaps we need to look inside for the true obstacles that keep us from holding on to our resolutions and achieving our goals.   And so, I end this article with the hope that this holiday season, we can all reflect on the lessons of the third chakra,  and the long standing words of Polonius, “To thine own self be true.”

Wishing you all a Happy Holiday Season! 

By Leslie Rouder, LCSW, CHt. 

Is the thought of getting ready for the holidays causing you stress or overwhelm? Are you feeling like you don’t know where to start? Keeping your home clutter-free and organized, especially around holiday time, can help alleviate some of the stress and overwhelm you may be feeling, especially when you have ADD. 

I put together a list of 3 important things you can do to keep your home clutter-free for the holidays, as well as all year round.

1.  Set up 4 different boxes and label each box with the following labels:

• Throw Away- these are items that are no longer needed.  This includes trash, but may also include things that are broken (and cannot be repaired) or items that no longer have any worth to you.
• Give Away- these are those items that can be re-cycled to someone that you know might enjoy having them, or donated to your favorite charity.
• Short term storage –these are those items that just need to be put back in their place in your home.  They are used often and have a location that is easy to find.
• Long term storage –these are those items that you use infrequently and need to store somewhere out of the way.  This could be in closets, attics, or garages.  Make sure to label each box so that when you need these items, they are easy to locate. Continue reading “3 Clutter-Clearing Tips for the Holidays” »

By Leslie Rouder, LCSW, CHt.

Identifying the problem areas in ones’ relationship is relatively easy, but the difficult part is ferreting out effective mechanisms to bridge the communication gap that often occurs when one’s partner has ADD.  Knowledge, patience, and empathy go a long way in working on these issues.   Since both partners need to work together to find solutions and new ways of thinking about their relationship conflicts, the following 8 guidelines are broken down into “the ADD partner’s part” and the “non-ADD partner’s part”. 

Continue reading “8 Attitudes That Could Save Your Marriage” »

By Leslie Rouder, LCSW, CHt.

Lately I have been thinking a great deal about change and fear. I know I am supposed to be writing about ADD, but the thoughts and feelings around the idea of change and fear keep flowing into my mind; so I have decided to share some of my thoughts about this, knowing that change and fear is something that is universal to us all.

Change is the one universal thing that each of us experience daily in our lives. But the really big ones, which create tremendous fear, are the ones that have the most potential for our inner growth and transformation.

I can honestly say that I have lived a courageous life for the most part; having taken big leaps of faith when many would have taken an easier road, (having made major life decisions on my own most of my life, starting my own company at 27, moving to a new state and starting a new career at age 40,  facing cancer and my own mortality at 50) but I can also say that fear has also been a pervasive companion along the way, and a formidable one at that. And I have noted, as I have grown older that making changes has been increasingly difficult for me. Accepting change that I have no control over is a bit easier because I understand the dynamic of change and the cycles that exist in life in terms of death and re-birth. But the stepping out into the future creating the change (not just accepting it) seems to be the place that has been most difficult for me.

Having just resigned from my position of 11 years, this past July, as a director at a University, so that I might pursue my private practice full time, is the perfect example. I felt the rumblings of this fear, recognizing its arrival a couple of years back, when I first thought of creating a new life for myself. Anxiety and fear were the motivating energetic forces that moved me forward every day. In truth, I wished that I could just be OK with the status quo. After all, wasn’t this the worst economic times in the history of my entire life? Wasn’t I lucky to have such a stable solid job? What if it didn’t work out and I had to look for another job in this depleted job market? Wasn’t it foolish to take a risk at the ripe age of 57, when folks would rather hire a much younger less “seasoned” professional? What if I felt too isolated working totally alone? On and on my mind went, feeding this fear, while imagining all the possible negative scenarios.

And then I considered 3 things;

1. My mother. My mother collapsed while blowing out the birthday candles on her birthday cake while at work on her 53rd birthday, never to return home again, having died of a brain hemorrhage 6 months later.
2. My father. Who, while going for his regular morning walk one Saturday morning, died on his feet at 69 of a massive heart attack.
3. My Aunt Hellen. My father’s twin sister, who gently reminded me of the above. And her words to me, “don’t let fear paralyze you”.

Maybe the last gift my parents gave me was the realization that life does not go on forever and that all we know for sure is that we are here right now at this moment. Perhaps risking change for the sake of a better life is worth taking, while we can, even if it feels frightening and looming to us, because not risking it may mean that we might not ever have that chance again. And so, having made friends with fear, recognizing its intrinsic intelligence, listening to its message of wisdom and transformation, I reluctantly let go of the past and allowed life to move me forward to the place I am now. Working for myself, growing my practice, finding a new way of being and defining the parameters of my life in a whole new way. Easy? No. Worth it? Definitely!

Life transitions and times of transformation are something that my friend and mentor, Jacquelyn Small, often refers to as “hanging in the dangle”.  

I asked her if she would write a description of this concept for my newsletter, which is all about transformation.  She graciously responded with the following article:

Transformation does not occur incrementally like skill building does, where we get better and better at something everyday. Transformation is shifts in consciousness that happen through sequences of death and rebirth;  we die to the old and awaken to a whole new way of being.  And believe me:  this is not always fun!  When we die to some way we’ve always been, there nearly always follows a feeling of depression.   Continue reading “Hanging in the Dangle Between the Old and The New” »