As many of you may know, my passion is understanding the process by which people change, shift and evolve.  As often said in the world of Neuro Linguistic Programming or NLP, “What’s the difference that makes the difference?”   To this effort,  I dedicate the following interview. 

Q:  Can you identify one person, place or event that most influenced you in making a major change or shift forward in your life? If so, what or who would that have been,  and why? 

“I can thank billiards for the positive shift in my life. I wanted to get better, but I was constantly getting in my own way. I was often too distracted to stay focused during longer matches and my mind would wonder while my opponents were at the table, which also took away valuable concentration. Put simply, I could not maintain my focus.

 Billiards made me “want” to get better, to find answers and improve. As they say, when you play a game such as billiards, it often mimics real life. I share the story in my book “One Boy’s Struggle”, but here’s the short version: 

I came to a point in my billiard career that I wanted to stop and give up (as I had done with so many other things). I was not improving, and actually, I was getting worse. Thankfully, there was someone who cared about me, who took me under his wing and became my mentor. 

He started off by giving me a very important book which I still have to this day. It is titled “The Power of Positive Thinking” by Norman Vincent Peale. The book was life changing for me, but it was also a not so indirect message. I was too angry, too resentful and too negative overall and unfortunately this is all too common with people who have ADHD. Negativity blinds us from our own potential within and worse it repels anyone who would otherwise help us or just be our friends.

 My mentor needed me to open up and discover something about myself that I could change, something that was within my control. We all have choices to make, whether we have ADHD or not and I was given a choice: Change my perspective or stay the same, or worse, continue to regress. Most people balk at this choice or continue to blame their ADHD for their attitude and I was fortunate not to know I had ADHD yet and didn’t have anything to blame, but myself. The book helped me stop blaming myself and start seeing life as something positive and meaningful, and likewise I started treating myself and others in that manner. It wasn’t an overnight process, but each day I saw small positive steps and that kept me moving forward and brought me to where I am today.”

Q: Can you tell me how you made that shift?  What were the actions that you performed that allowed that to happen for you.  What was different about them?

“It was a difficult process at first, because ADHD is a neurobiological disorder as you well know and changing one’s attitude as an adult was only the first step. Improving my attitude opened me up to possibilities. Previously my negative attitude had blinded me. I used to mock people who thought positively, because I thought it was foolish and delusional. I wasn’t brave enough to tell them to their faces, I was a shy person after all the punishment I had been through, but I thought the thoughts that held me back, perhaps more than ADHD ever has.

It makes me very sad when I see people in this condition and having been there I know that they may never find their way out if they keep looking in the wrong place and that’s one major reason I published my memoir and started ADDer World. Oddly enough, the people who are caught in the world I lived in now mock me and call me delusional, but it’s okay because I’ve been there and done that. It is the surest sign that ADHD isn’t their main problem and if they so choose, they can improve, too.”

Q: If there was any one piece of advice that you could have given to that “younger you” growing up, what do you think that would have been?

“Well, without diagnosis any piece of advice I would give my younger me, such as in grade school where all my real problems began, would not be that helpful. When I was playing billiards and shifted my attitude I was already an adult.

What I would rather do here is let parents know that ADHD is not something to blame and a child is in no control or fault for having ADHD and you are not a bad parent. What the child really needs is professional help and support. ADHD is not only damaging academically, if undiagnosed, it is also detrimental to one’s self-esteem. Later in life ADHD may be accepted by many, especially today, but a negative attitude is not and never will be. Support your child, get the help he or she needs. Diagnosis isn’t a bad thing, it’s the best thing that can happen for a child who has ADHD, because that opens doors to understanding and treatment that can help. Inspire and encourage your children and that will motivate them. Punish and chastise your children and that will demotivate them and that goes for any child with or without ADHD.”

 Q: As an adult, what skills have you learned that you rely on most when you feel “stuck” to move you forward now?

“ADHD is never easy, no matter how good at maintaining I get, it is always work. However, what helps me the most is that I do my best to try and find something interesting in everything I do. The ADHD mind works best when it has incentive and knows there will be a reward for any effort and that’s why I make it a personal choice to find something interesting in everything I do. It is possible to trick the mind into being excited about something, even if you normally are not. That’s what I have found to help me the most. I do not take medication for my ADHD, but that’s not because I don’t believe in it. I do not take medication because I cannot tolerate it, or I would have. In one way that’s okay because it has made me develop the mindset that everything I do is worthwhile.”

 Bryan, thanks for your time and great insights!  

Leslie is an ADHD Coach and holistic therapist working in South Florida.  If you want more help with ADHD, sign up for my free newsletter on my website and get your free tips to Overcoming Procrastination and Achieving Your Goals at: www.addadults.net 

As mentioned in my last Newsletter,  I have been taking a 7 week class with Melissa entitled The ADHD Effect on Couples this past month and thought it would be great if she would be willing to do a guest interview for my blog on the subject .  She graciously accepted and the following is the result; 

Leslie:   If there was one piece of advice that you would give to a couple (in which one or both partners had ADHD) that was struggling with their relationship what would that be?

Melissa:   Learn all that you can about the issues that ADHD symptoms introduce into relationships.  Right now you may be frustrated that nothing ever seems to change – no matter how much effort you put into making your relationship better.  But learning about ADHD symptoms and their impact is really GOOD – in fact it is a turning point for many couples.  And, it’s important to note here, that though it is the ADHD partner with the symptoms, it is not his or her “fault.”  A non-ADHD partner (or second ADHD partner) plays a huge role in the dynamics the couple shares.

Leslie: Can you tell us what you feel are the 3 biggest obstacles that get in the way of couples affected by ADHD?

Melissa:  The most important obstacles are denial, fear and hopelessness.  Let me start with denial.  Over 80% of adults with ADHD are currently undiagnosed.  But even after diagnosis, it’s common that a partner with ADHD will deny that ADHD might be playing a role in marital dysfunction.  This is usually because they prefer to blame their partner’s obvious anger and frustration.  Not incidentally, denial for the non-ADHD partner is typically around anger.  He or she denies that anger is hurting the relationship.  As long as each partner remains in denial, little changes.  This is one of the powerful things about my book.  At the beginning is a section that talks about what a relationship impacted by ADHD looks like.  A lot of people read it and say “have you been sitting in my living room?!”  At that point they tend to start wondering whether or not it might, after all, really be the ADHD symptoms and their responses to those symptoms, rather than a spouse being a pain.

Fear is also a huge obstacle, particularly for ADHD spouses.  They fear that they will try really hard to do something to please their partner and fail at it (which they often have a track record of doing, since their untreated ADHD symptoms have gotten in the way).  Fear tends to have a paralyzing effect on ADHD spouses, though sometimes it has the effect of making them defensive.  On the non-ADHD spouse side of things, the most common fear is that they’ll make themselves vulnerable to feeling warm feelings for their partner, and that he or she will then “revert” back to old habits again, which will hurt.  So fear tends to have the effect of “hardening” non-ADHD partners.

Finally, hopelessness.  By the time couples find me they are often near divorce and have had dysfunctional relationships for a long time.  They have little energy for more work.  I will try to provide them a glimpse of what their future might look like if they can pull themselves up and try again – this time by trying differently (in ways that acknowledge the ADHD issues), rather than trying harder.  Usually they can see why it makes sense to try again.

Leslie: What is the best kind of help couples facing these challenges need to get?   And where do they go to find this kind of help?

Melissa: The best sort of help is from a professional counselor who is familiar with ADHD and its issues.  The patterns created by having a symptom, then a response to that symptom, then a response to that response, mean that if a therapist isn’t aware of the underlying symptom then the work that is done tends to be on too superficial a level.  You might be able to temporarily address anger, for example, but if you don’t also improve the reliability of the ADHD partner by helping him or her manage their ADHD, then the anger will return.

Leslie: In your practice, what percentage of the couples you see have success in growing their relationship and learning how to rebuild their lives together in a healthier way?

Melissa:   Some couples don’t make it, as you would expect, particularly given that most are in big trouble when they start with me.  But a surprisingly large percentage do improve their relationship quite significantly.  One of the reasons I remain so enthusiastic about the niche that I work in, in fact, is that so many people tell me how great a difference my advice has made in their lives.  It’s very rewarding to feel you are genuinely helping people learn to thrive again!

Leslie: What do you feel is the single most important thing that a couple can do to strengthen their trust in each other, despite a long history of distrust?

Melissa:  Rebuilding trust takes time, and there is no “quick” way to get there.  In a nutshell, to learn to trust again, a couple must do the hard work necessary to create a “new norm” in their relationship – one in which they treat each other with respect, where ADHD symptoms and anger are no longer major factors in their interactions, and where they are both feeling satisfied or joyous in their relationship.  Then they need to be in this new norm for a while in order to trust it will stay that way, as well as to trust each other again.  Typically it can take about a year or more to move through all of the steps, once a couple is out of denial and really focused on creating change.

Leslie: When do you know it’s time to give up?

Melissa:  Every person has to make this decision for him or herself.  In my opinion, you give up when one of two things becomes obvious – a.) when even after a long time it becomes fully clear that either partner is dead set on remaining in denial about what’s going on and therefore won’t participate in the hard work of changing the dynamics or b.) the couple has changed the dynamics, gotten both ADHD and responses to ADHD out of the way, and realized that they have something else all together that makes them incompatible.  In general, I think there are a whole lot more reasons to stay together than to give up, but I’m not a big believer that you should stay in a marriage which is clearly hurting you over the long run.  Everyone deserves to live in a respectful, healthy relationship.  My work points the way for many couples to find that…but not all.

Leslie:  Thanks again, Melissa, for your valuable time and insights.

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By Jacquelyn Small

Today, many people are seeking more fulfillment in life. Today’s chaotic technological world is often too much for human psyches to contend with, without possessing more inner strength. Many therefore are yearning to find inner peace, more healing of one’s past, and are seeking more spiritual meaning and connection so they can align with their true purpose in life.

Turning inward to become conscious of what ails us, and further, to access the beauty of our inner core Self, is the healer of all human dysfunction and self-defeating lifestyles. This means we need methods that can take us inward to learn about our rich subjective life. The crying need is to gain a more universal understanding of reality and of human nature, which automatically grounds us in our truth and natural confidence.  If you recall, this was the quest of the Holy Grail.

Years ago, I discovered a method which is a powerful psychic opener that broadens our view of who we are and why we are here. I’ve named it Integrative Breathwork. It’s an adaptation of Holotropic Breathwork I co-taught with Stanislav Grof, M.D. for six years during the late ’80′s and early ’90′s. Through the use of evocative music, deep breathing, meditative contemplation, and symbolic artwork, the deeper strata of the unconscious mind opens and pours out its gifts. It is in this rich subjective life that all new creations first begin to stir, and to which we must continually return to be made afresh for every age.

Breathwork is an ancient spiritual practice in both the Eastern and Western spiritual traditions. It has the power to heal our personal past and to carry us into the expansive collective mind of humanity where all the great minds, universal spiritual teachings, our ancestral heritage, and our future unformed blueprints can be accessed. The fact that people have high moments of great revelation, inspiration, and ecstatic “peak experiences” during this process is proof that wisdom lives within us all.

The two-hour musical journey is a carefully designed variety of evocative music with no words that serves as a projection screen – a way to free associate so participants can feel and recall whatever it is they need to make conscious and clear. In an Integrative Breathwork session everyone has a different experience. For example, one person might go back in time and recall a serious automobile accident and release the pent-up terror they’ve been holding, while another might travel out-of-body to a sacred temple and relive a powerful spiritual initiation. This method transcends time and space, producing a mild, non-ordinary state of consciousness so we can experience these higher worlds directly.

Practiced within a safe therapeutic setting and with proper guidance, Integerative Breathwork accesses the brain where memory and emotion converge.  I know of no other therapeutic method more effective for experiencing the full gambit of our sacred human experience.

What people don’t realize is that we haven’t just repressed our old family issues and neuroses; we have repressed the remembrance that we’re divine as well, and that we have the power to be co-creators in the world.

We hope that you will join us for this very unusual and meaningful weekend with members of your soul family.  The time is right to do this enlightening inner work.

I asked her if she would write a description of this concept for my newsletter, which is all about transformation.  She graciously responded with the following article:

Transformation does not occur incrementally like skill building does, where we get better and better at something everyday. Transformation is shifts in consciousness that happen through sequences of death and rebirth;  we die to the old and awaken to a whole new way of being.  And believe me:  this is not always fun!  When we die to some way we’ve always been, there nearly always follows a feeling of depression.  We’ve lost interest and feel we’ll never be interested in anything again.  So there is a place along this journey to wholeness where we all feel completely disoriented and helpless.  In our work we call it “hanging in the dangle” between an old way of being that has died and a new way that’s not yet arrived.  

Often, this state is so uncomfortable, we try to return to the old ways.  And we discover very quickly that it just doesn’t work.  The old is truly dead, and no one is capable of carrying a dead carcass on their backs for long!  So we “hang there.”  We await some new opportunity to come knocking, something to move us onward, while sometimes even losing our faith in life.  But here’s the good news:  This is a temporary state!  And a natural one along our journey to wholeness.

Many today are in this place, because the “old” in our bigger world has died.  This is the end of an Age.  So it’s not just personal.  We are all hanging in the dangle, though many still believe the old ways will return and try strenuously to make it happen.  We are in the midst of an enormous shift in consciousness, moving into a way we’ve never before experienced. And this is very scary — especially for people with a lot of control issues.  But the shift is not quite here yet.  So we are still experiencing the crisis of polarity that always occurs before a major consciousness shift occurs.

So bear with it, my friends, and stay focused on the future instead of looking back.  And if possible, perhaps just knowing that this is a natural state in the transformational journey might help you stay centered as you hang there, dangling between your old life and the new.  Be courageous to go with whatever feels the least bit inspiring for you to head for. Inspiration is often our guide.  

~ Jacquelyn Small